Zach Braff famous quotes

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.
-- Zach Braff

#War #Hero #Vietnam

I'm a film geek man. I love toys. I love everything in filmmaking, so for me to just be around this technology is just so cool to watch it being used for the first time, some of the stuff.
-- Zach Braff

#Technology #Men #Watches

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.
-- Zach Braff

#White #Race #Mad

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.
-- Zach Braff

#Way #Travel Abroad

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.
-- Zach Braff

#Hate #Thinking #Alive

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?
-- Zach Braff

#Home #Mirrors #Bishops

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.
-- Zach Braff

#Stupid #Mean #Writing

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.
-- Zach Braff

#Daughter #Children #Cutting

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter
-- Zach Braff

#Mean #Winter #Care

So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.
-- Zach Braff

#Running #Country #Men

Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too.
-- Zach Braff

#Giving #People #Needs

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.
-- Zach Braff

#Deserve Better #One Day #Dump

Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success.
-- Zach Braff

#Secret

When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?
-- Zach Braff

#Running #Fashion #Kids

If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?
-- Zach Braff

#Player #Garden #Dvds

I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'
-- Zach Braff

#Thinking #Today

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.
-- Zach Braff

#Dog #Las Vegas #Two

I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.
-- Zach Braff

#Jobs #Simple #Way

I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.
-- Zach Braff

#Black And White #Men #Thinking

Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.
-- Zach Braff

#Writing #Biographies #Too Late

I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.
-- Zach Braff

#Guy #Want #Doe

Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that
-- Zach Braff

#People #Lifetime #Masters

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.
-- Zach Braff

#Viagra

I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do
-- Zach Braff

#Drama #School #Ideas

Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.
-- Zach Braff

#Thinking #America #Needed

People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.
-- Zach Braff

#New Year #Writing #Garden

Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.
-- Zach Braff

#Faces #Saving #Autobiography

Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section.
-- Zach Braff

#Moving #Noble #Fiction

Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.
-- Zach Braff

#Mirrors #Years

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.
-- Zach Braff

#Mistake #Mean #People

I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has.
-- Zach Braff

#Mean #Doctors #Acting

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?
-- Zach Braff

#Garden #People #Lasts

People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff.
-- Zach Braff

#Mother #People #Confusing

It's... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy.
-- Zach Braff

#Girl #Kissing #Swimming

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.
-- Zach Braff

#Trying

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.
-- Zach Braff

#Ideas

Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?
-- Zach Braff

#Cities #Safety #Swim

Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.
-- Zach Braff

#Mean #Eyebrows #Fake

If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.
-- Zach Braff

#Yellow #Blue #Faces

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?
-- Zach Braff

#Real #Miracle #Looks

Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something...
-- Zach Braff

#Men #America #Israel

In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy.
-- Zach Braff

#Writing #Mixtapes #Opinion

I once looked in the mirror at myself and noticed that, without a doubt, I am a sexy man. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get married...it just wouldn't be fair for my spouse to catch me enjoying a look in the mirror more than having sex with her.
-- Zach Braff

#Sexy #Men #Thinking

I think we have to acknowledge that people are different and succeed at different things, first of all. Men are better than women at some professions like firefighting, construction work, and physics. But women are better than men at some professions, too, like elementary teaching, prostitution, and giving birth. Who's to say which is more important?
-- Zach Braff

#Teaching #Men #Thinking

To say I live a cursed life is an understatement. I have to get up every day and work with people who are not as successful as me nor will they ever be as successful as me. Nobody knows the struggles I go through.
-- Zach Braff

#Struggle #Successful #People

I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong.
-- Zach Braff

#Jesus #Pressure #Bogart

I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.
-- Zach Braff

#Mistake #Giving #People

Everyday I question myself. I look in the mirror, or read one of my scripts, or I reflect on my acting and I say to myself 'that was good...but was it Zach Braff good?' Lets just say things have been looking pretty Zach Braff so far.
-- Zach Braff

#Mirrors #Everyday #Acting

I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.
-- Zach Braff

#Hate #Gay #Sick

I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience.
-- Zach Braff

#Wise #Thinking #Play

If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.
-- Zach Braff

#Serial Killer #Actors #Killers

Every single person wants to do it, don't hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart!
-- Zach Braff

#Hate #Heart #Want

I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.
-- Zach Braff

#Guy #Hours

People are always going to find fault with anything you do, any process that you're a part of. The creative process means taking risks, I've taken risks and I've made mistakes, but the bottom line is, could anyone else have done any better ? I have to believe that what I created was worthwhile.
-- Zach Braff

#Mistake #Taken #Believe

People always say The God Father is the #1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in it....No you didn't. So then by default it goes to Garden State..and if youwatch two episodes of scrubs back to back that counts as the #2.
-- Zach Braff

#Father #Garden #Two

One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude.
-- Zach Braff

#Eye #Rude #Quality

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.
-- Zach Braff

#Book

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.
-- Zach Braff

#Genius #Talent #Good Things

I'm really not one to brag, but I think my job is one of the most important things someone can do with their life. I mean, it really gives people a chance to live outside their means through someone else's vision. And I think that's something really great that I can give back to the community. Sure I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but do they really help anyone? Sure you can save someone's life, but can you really change it for the better? I'm not saying their jobs aren't important, just not as important as mine.
-- Zach Braff

#Jobs #Mean #Thinking

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.
-- Zach Braff

#Running #Play #Done

I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever
-- Zach Braff

#Giving #Care

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.
-- Zach Braff

#New York #Eye #Evil

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
-- Zach Braff

#Jealous #Kind

I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.
-- Zach Braff

#Worry #Insecurity #Driven

I'm not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup.
-- Zach Braff

#Tabloids #Soup #Cad

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.
-- Zach Braff

#Want #Way

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.
-- Zach Braff

#Baby #Fighting #Grieving

That cyclone in Burma? That was just me doing the dance to that annoying ***** song...
-- Zach Braff

#Song #Cyclones #Annoying

A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.
-- Zach Braff

#Wise #Children #Mean

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?
-- Zach Braff

#Hate #Men #Giving

It's not that George Bush doesn't care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can't swim.
-- Zach Braff

#People #Swim #Black

People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous.
-- Zach Braff

#People #Wish #Earth

I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?
-- Zach Braff

#Voice #Actors #Blame

If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.
-- Zach Braff

#Global Warming #Killing #Mankind

I can't say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me.
-- Zach Braff

#Focus #Agree

Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot.
-- Zach Braff

#Running #Guy #Say Anything

The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.
-- Zach Braff

#Rating #Higher

Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.
-- Zach Braff

#Character #Garden #Way

If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!
-- Zach Braff

#Mean #Born #Should

Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.
-- Zach Braff

#Winning #Thinking #Cages

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?
-- Zach Braff

#Mother #Cancer #Kissing

They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?
-- Zach Braff

#Matter #Does It Matter #Doe

When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band.
-- Zach Braff

#Play #People #Suffering

I don't think restaurants should refuse to serve minority people. They are quite tasty when prepared correctly.
-- Zach Braff

#Thinking #People #Minorities

Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.
-- Zach Braff

#Nike #Our World #Needs

Yea, he's alright...but he's no Zach Braff.
-- Zach Braff

#Alright

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!
-- Zach Braff

#Believe #Good Things #Flocks

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.
-- Zach Braff

#Distance #Home #Trying

People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they're just trying to clean up our planet. I'm not saying it's right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example.
-- Zach Braff

#Thinking #People #Trying

I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.
-- Zach Braff

#Mean #Thinking #People

I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.
-- Zach Braff

#House #Neighbor #Props

There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?
-- Zach Braff

#Law #Doubt #Gray

She can't say no if she's unconscious.
-- Zach Braff

#Unconscious

I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.
-- Zach Braff

#Scripts #Screenplays

I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.
-- Zach Braff

#Stars #Identity #Forget

Yea, I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle.
-- Zach Braff

#Dream #Rifles #Time Travel

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.
-- Zach Braff

#Gay #Guy #Firsts

If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.
-- Zach Braff

#Dark #Garden #Light

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
-- Zach Braff

#Years #Coke #Whiskey

Hitler was about population control.
-- Zach Braff

#Population #Population Control