Arj Barker famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.
-- Arj Barker

#Hurt #Night #Bed
The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
-- Arj Barker

#Guy #Way #Saws
I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance.
-- Arj Barker

#Tolerance
I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.
-- Arj Barker

#Who I Am #Likes #Pretending
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
-- Arj Barker

#Intelligent #Needs #Complicated
I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.
-- Arj Barker

#Running #Believe #Home
I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even been born yet.
-- Arj Barker

#Mean #Thinking #Wife
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.
-- Arj Barker

#Thinking #Doctors #Next Week
Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.
-- Arj Barker

#Heart #Gay #Unconditional Love
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
-- Arj Barker

#Tired #Smoking #Risk
I'm trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I've ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It's called going to sleep. Maybe you've heard of it.
-- Arj Barker

#Regret #Sleep #Sweat
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.
-- Arj Barker

#Shoes #Pace #Today
I just got a new iPod. It's got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
-- Arj Barker

#Song #Ipods #Want
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.
-- Arj Barker

#Country #Cat #Animal
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
-- Arj Barker

#Writing #Second Chance #Car
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
-- Arj Barker

#Light #Car #What If
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
-- Arj Barker

#Mean #Alzheimer's #Band
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.
-- Arj Barker

#Philosophy #Prove It #Knows
Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that's why Google has such an attitude. Because it's so popular, it's conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? 'Um, did you mean...?
-- Arj Barker

#Attitude #Mean #Conceited
From an early age, I was trying to get laughs, but it wasn't a conscious thing. I think I was about six months old when I first realized I needed friends in life and making people laugh worked for me. By nine months, I came out of my shell.
-- Arj Barker

#Thinking #People #Laughing
I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.
-- Arj Barker

#Math #Thinking #Cities
There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
-- Arj Barker

#Apples #People #Trying
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap - you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.
-- Arj Barker

#Hunting #Knives #Littles
I was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.
-- Arj Barker

#Real #Home #Gay
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
-- Arj Barker

#New York #Taken #Ice Cream

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