Christian Finnegan famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

America may be entering it's Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.
-- Christian Finnegan

#America #Entering #Wizards
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Jesus #Powerful #Guy
Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Couple #Fun #Feet
There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Disappointment #Blame #External Forces
I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Thinking #People #Parent
Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Sex #Pimp #Intellectual
What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!
-- Christian Finnegan

#Weed #People #Car
The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Intelligent #Intelligence #Facts
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Effort #Charity #Molestation
You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Use #Pancreas #Horrible
America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.
-- Christian Finnegan

#America #Entering #Wizards
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Thinking #Opposites #People
Canada, or as i call them, America Light.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Light #America #Canada
I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Play #Band #Bass
Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Actors #Enough #Egocentric
There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Smart #Names #Two
I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Sleep #Starting Over #Awkward
You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.
-- Christian Finnegan

#School #Games #Names
I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Way #Drink #Alcoholics
I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.
-- Christian Finnegan

#People #Twelve #Boring
I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.
-- Christian Finnegan

#People #Physicians #Needs
There's something so awesome about being able to get up in front of a microphone and do exactly what you want. Stand-up is as close as you're ever going to get to being 100 percent in control of a situation artistically, and I don't understand why people wouldn't want to keep doing that.
-- Christian Finnegan

#People #Situation
My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Couple #Nice #College
Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Three #Video #Half
I had no choice but to make me as a comedian, because I am not particularly gifted with a lot of marketable skills. Unless I really want to spend the rest of my life temping, or teaching drama to third-graders, I don't have a lot of other options - which is freeing, in a way. I never have to say, "Well, I could always go back to law school."
-- Christian Finnegan

#Drama #Teaching #School
If the right opportunity came along, maybe, but I'm more focused on trying to create a TV show where I can be myself, rather than playing a wacky neighbor. Although, I would gladly play a wacky neighbor of any sort.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Opportunity #Trying #Neighbor
I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Thinking #America #Speak
It's my genius plan of avoiding any career momentum whatsoever. Definitely the pop-culture thing is something I've avoided in my act. It's just too transitory and ephemeral.
-- Christian Finnegan

#Genius #Avoiding

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