Richard Jeni famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

I dont get that -- people going to war over religion. I dont know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if youre going to war over religion, now youre just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
-- Richard Jeni

#Revenge #War #People
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
-- Richard Jeni

#New York #Funny Relationship #Thinking
Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
-- Richard Jeni

#Beach #Feet #Guy
The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
-- Richard Jeni

#Nuts #Differences #Firsts
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
-- Richard Jeni

#Yoga #Hypocrite #Yelling
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
-- Richard Jeni

#Running #Hypocrite #Gay
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
-- Richard Jeni

#Tattoo #Regret #Thinking
America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
-- Richard Jeni

#America #Twenties #Aliens
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'
-- Richard Jeni

#Sex #Fire #People
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
-- Richard Jeni

#Marriage #Country #Divorce
The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
-- Richard Jeni

#Fighting #Flying #Hindenburg
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
-- Richard Jeni

#Religious #War #Killing
When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
-- Richard Jeni

#Life #Men #Nuts
You know what the average person is? Average.
-- Richard Jeni

#Average #Average Person #Persons

You may also like:

Amy Yasbeck
Film actress
Ben Stein
Actor
Bill Hicks
Comedian
Dave Attell
Comedian
David Brenner
Comedian
Dom Irrera
Comedian
George Carlin
Comedian
Greg Giraldo
Stand-up comedian
Jim Carrey
Actor
Joe Rogan
Stand-up comedian
Joely Fisher
Actress
Lenny Bruce
Comedian
Mitch Hedberg
Comedian
Ray Combs
Comedian
Rich Vos
Comedian
Richard Lewis
Comedian
Richard Pryor
Comedian
Robert Schimmel
Comedian
Sam Kinison
Comedian
John Pinette
Actor