Bill Engvall famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
-- Bill Engvall

#Believe #Want #Thongs
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
-- Bill Engvall

#Hate #Stupid #People
Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".
-- Bill Engvall

#Dad #Son #Yesterday
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
-- Bill Engvall

#Hamburgers #Doe #Shirts
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'
-- Bill Engvall

#Teacher #School #Kids
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."
-- Bill Engvall

#Funny #Golf #Hockey
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
-- Bill Engvall

#Funny #Mistake #Coffee
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..
-- Bill Engvall

#Running #Baby #Believe
There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
-- Bill Engvall

#Suicide #California #Bed
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
-- Bill Engvall

#Stupid #Ties #Wife

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