Eoin Colfer famous quotes

I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Clever #Would Be #Scared

A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Technology #Museums #Cds

You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Imagination #Trouble

I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Names #People #Tag

The thing about reading is that if you are hooked, you're not going to stop just because one series is over; you're going to go and find something else.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Reading #Over You

No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Men #Trying #Males

A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Optimistic #Moon #Looks

There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Dying #Culture #Happy Endings

Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Men #Different #Looks

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Kids #Two #Bed

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!
-- Eoin Colfer

#Who Cares #Steel #Looks

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it. This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Passion #Thinking #Fire

Don't try to understand me, just be grateful that you felt the warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox's aura on your wonderstruck face.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Grateful #Trying #Auras

Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit is exceptional.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Lasts #Firsts #Middle

The name's Bond. James Omar Bond.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Names #Omar

Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Humble #Tails #Genius

Boo-hoo. Help me, I'm a girl. What kind of modern woman are you? A smart one.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Girl #Smart #Helping

Waitress: "And to drink?" Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Spring #Ice #Water

Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Artemis #Weeping

Wait," said Butler. "Just wait, Holly. Artemis has a plan." He squinted through the green dome. "What is your plan, Artemis?" All Artemis could do was smile and shrug.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Waiting #Hollies #Green

Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Hate #Forever #Hollies

Commander: What's that? Foaly: It's a finger, what does look like?
-- Eoin Colfer

#Doe #Looks #Fingers

Good. Illegal is always faster.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Crime #Illegal #Faster

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Crazy #Winning #Way

They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Boys #Tunnels #Gone

We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Idiot #Crayon

No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?
-- Eoin Colfer

#Children #Order #Doubt

Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife's stares were daggers, he'd be dead already.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Running #Queens #Wine

And it's amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make.
-- Eoin Colfer

#People #Noise

Her glare was so intense that you completely forgot she was wearing pink.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Wearing Pink #Intense #Glare

When you've come face-to-face with the dark side of the school yard, life doesn't hold many surprises.
-- Eoin Colfer

#School #Dark #Yards

Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week." The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing. I hate you, centaur!" screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor. Artemis straightened his tie. Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Hate #Eye #Air

I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Brother #Flower #Rocks

Victor Vigny: It is like the old fairy tale. The boy saves the princess; they fall in love. He invents a flying machine - along with his dashing teacher, of course. They get married and name thier firstborn after the aforementioned dashing teacher. Conor: I don't recall that fairy tale from the nursery. Victor Vigny: Trust me, It's a classic.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Teacher #Falling In Love #Princess

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Mean #Quiet #Shut Up

Most craft give a nod, however brief and unfriendly, towards beauty. Vogon ships did not nod towards beauty. They pulled on ski masks and mugged beauty in a dark alley They spat in the eye of beauty and bludgeoned their wait through the notions of aesthetics and aerodynamics. Vogon cruisers did not so much travel through space as defile it and toss it aside.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Eye #Dark #Aerodynamics

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Hate #Feelings #Ceilings

Holly is alive,' thought Foaly 'My princess lives,'exulted Orion. 'And we're chasing a dragon
-- Eoin Colfer

#Princess #Dragons #Hollies

You display inordinate pride for someone who has completed a task which could have been performed by a lesser primate in a shorter time.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Pride #Tasks #Primates

Nobody's death is impending." ..."Well technically everyone's death is impending.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Wells

I waved my hand in front of my face, obi-wan style. "I am not here." Niall's mucas glands kicked into overdrive. "Eoin's dead! And his ghost is standing right there on the grass!" Donal let out a long suffering sigh. "Eoin is being a writer." Niall calmed down, becuase everyone knows writers are weird and are always doing stupid thingss.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Stupid #Hands #Long

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was... She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Beautiful #Sacrifice #Appreciate

I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland. A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Nice #Fall #Would Be

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Ignorance #Sometimes #Bliss

Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers. "Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone?
-- Eoin Colfer

#Hands #Captains #Rogues

Chaos reigned, and the survivalists eagerly unwrapped the kidskin from their crossbows. Phase one of Opal's plan was complete.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Opal #Phases #Chaos

He took a deep, shuddering breath. "Okay. I said it, it's out there. And I am fine now. So let's move on, shall we? What's the plan?
-- Eoin Colfer

#Moving #Said #Fine

Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Boys #Scratches #Earth

She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.' 'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.' 'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Priorities #Hollies #Suffering

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!!
-- Eoin Colfer

#Mother #Dad #Funny But True

Yes. Because every family needs a laser for thier family jet.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Needs #Lasers #Jet

...I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile." "...Where's all the loot?" "That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart." Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four. "You were here to rob me!" "No, I wasn't. How dare you?!
-- Eoin Colfer

#Cousin #Jobs #Lying

Why no aggressive action?" Foaly squirmed in a harness built for two-legged creatures. "Oh yes, why no aggressive action? How I long for aggressive action." "I live for aggressive action!" thundered Orion squeakily which was unusual. "Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round that I may smite it." "Smite it with what?" wandered Foaly "Your secret birthmark?" "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Two #Dragons #Long

But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Heart #Teeth #Plenty

People like me, LB, the truly great ones ... we are always alone.
-- Eoin Colfer

#People

Miss me? Bet you did ... so would I.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Missing #Miss Me

Hey, if you can't remember, don't worry about it. I'm having a few memory problems myself in this place. Little things like how long I've been here, what my purpose in life is, which feet to put my shoes on. Stuff like that.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Memories #Shoes #Feet

As a child, Zaphod had been diagnosed with ADHDDAAADHD (ntm) ABT which stood for Always Dreaming His Dopey Days Away, Also Attention Deficit Hyperflactulance Disorder (not to mention) A Bit Thick.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Dream #Children #Attention

Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said. "Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Running #Teenager #Focus

...to be injured on this tundra would lead to a quick and painful death—or at the very least abject humiliation before the popping flashes of the tourist season's tail end, which was slightly less painful than a painful death, but lasted longer.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Tourists #Tails #Painful

A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. - Angeline Fowl
-- Eoin Colfer

#Years #World #Fowl

Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your way back. Then I can make a few pennies wth my verses while you build us a shack and perform circus tricks for passersby." This was such a surprising statement that Foaly briefly considered jumping into the hole to get away.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Jumping #Giving #Orion

Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it." Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?" Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Dragons #Secret #Orion

Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps. "Wait! Just wait," she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. "I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan?" Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face. "No," he said. "No plan.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Struggle #Eye #Play

Artemis: I am not buoyed by that. Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized. Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Thinking #Bones #Broke

Together we will be unstoppable.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Together #Unstoppable

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Cheese #Dams #Dutch

how does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant. Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall. Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Brother #Sarcasm #Thinking

Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over
-- Eoin Colfer

#Singing #Trying #Care

I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
-- Eoin Colfer

#Girly #Crazy #Captains

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Eight #Badges #Wanted

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. -Artemis Fowl
-- Eoin Colfer

#Degrees #Fowl #Littles

...Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Doe #Aprons #Waiter

That was all he said, except for "Aaaeerrgghhh." Which is not really a word. But the reason that he screamed "Aaaeerrgghhh" was that Franco had bitten him savegly on the wrist.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Reason #Said #Wrists

If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Dwarves #Smell #Looks

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told. --Artemis Fowl
-- Eoin Colfer

#Mean #Decision #Fowl

What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?
-- Eoin Colfer

#Mean #Tonight #Sticks

The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Team #Mafia #Cracks

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Confidence #Humorous #Cocky

Trust me. I'm a genius.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Genius #Trust Me

I don't like lollipops.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Lollipop #Artemis Fowl #Artemis

I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.
-- Eoin Colfer

#Police #Next #Threatening