Julie Klausner famous quotes

04-17-2025

Fear can be the result of admiration, or it can be a symptom of contempt.
-- Julie Klausner

#Fear #Admiration #Results
I consider Greeks the Jews of the sea.
-- Julie Klausner

#Sea #Greek #Jew
Itâ€™s important to remember that Mark David Chapman really set a lot of trends: such as the trend of celebrities having bodyguards.
-- Julie Klausner

#Important #Trends #Remember
Iâ€™m really afraid of spiders and my own feelings.
-- Julie Klausner

#Feelings #Spiders
The only riot Iâ€™m okay with is a zoot suit riot.
-- Julie Klausner

#Suits #Okay #Riot
We donâ€™t use phones anymore in this day and age, yet she still phones things in.
-- Julie Klausner

#Phones #Age #Use
Do you think trees are the new birds? Donâ€™t answer that right away.
-- Julie Klausner

#Thinking #Bird #Tree
If the Cowardly Lion were on RuPaulâ€™s Drag Race, so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish.
-- Julie Klausner

#Race #Childhood #Would Be
What else donâ€™t women like besides the Three Stooges? Tom Waits. Being hurt physically or emotionally.
-- Julie Klausner

#Hurt #Waiting #Three
All I know is itâ€™s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I donâ€™t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pillâ€™s mouth... have you seen this ad? Itâ€™s very good. Itâ€™s for Abilify, which is not a word.
-- Julie Klausner

#Fun #Silly #Character
I just feel like I understand Cameron Diaz better than I ever have before, and I donâ€™t like it. I donâ€™t like to see everything I see. Itâ€™s like a magnifying mirror only soulful, and Iâ€™m not looking at her, Iâ€™m looking at us, you know? And our pores are huge.
-- Julie Klausner

#Mirrors #Magnifying #Feels
Is it a different New York since Lou Reed died? Itâ€™s been a different New York since I saw him in his sweatpants at the Cozy Soup â€˜nâ€™ Burger.
-- Julie Klausner

#New York #Different #Burgers
Women who work for escort agencies that assign them out to prostitution dates at sushi restaurants know how to eat with chopsticks, and beyond that they are in every other way identical to other prostitutes. Theyâ€™re not better looking; theyâ€™re not smarter; theyâ€™re not classier; theyâ€™re not more charming. They probably give more ***** than any reasonable woman, right? And they are empty inside, but itâ€™s also societyâ€™s fault.
-- Julie Klausner

#Agency #Giving #Sushi
Having one of your like dumb sort of stream of consciousness tweets used against you on a right wing website is the ultimate compliment.
-- Julie Klausner

#Wings #Dumb #Consciousness
Any woman I know can smell a boyfriend a mile away. Women are intuitive, they know when a guy is interested but he's not going to be there for her in that boyfriend-y way,
-- Julie Klausner

#Smell #Guy #Way
Only sad sacks and conformists need things like no kiss on New Year's Eve to remind them to feel lonely. They're as bad as the people who need St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get drunk or Halloween to wear slutty outfits. You can feel sorry for yourself and dress like a hooker all year round: Hallmark never needs to know.
-- Julie Klausner

#New Year #Lonely #Sorry
I'm not big on regret - until time travel actually exists, it seems like a waste of making yourself feel bad
-- Julie Klausner

#Regret #Waste #Time Travel
My advice to women who habitually gravitate toward musicians is that they learn how to play an instrument and start making music themselves. Not only will they see that it's not that hard, but sometimes I think women just want to be the very thing they think they want to sleep with. Because if you're bright enough--no offense, Tawny Kitaen--sleeping with a musician probably won't be enough for you to feel good about yourself. Even if he writes you a song for your birthday. Don't you know that a musician who writes a song for you is like a baker you're dating making you a cake? Aim higher.
-- Julie Klausner

#Song #Writing #Sleep
Shirley MacLaine: what an asshole.
-- Julie Klausner

You may also like:

Amy Poehler
Actress
Billy Eichner
Comedian
Brad Goreski
TV Personality
Chris Elliott
Actor
Chris Gethard
Actor
Jen Kirkman
Comedian
Jessi Klein
Stand-up comic
John Hodgman
Author
John Mulaney
Actor
Marc Maron
Comedian
Patton Oswalt
Comedian
Paul F. Tompkins
Comedian
Tavi Gevinson
Writer
Ted Leo
Songwriter
Tina Fey
Actress
Todd Barry
Stand-up comedian
Tom Scharpling
Comedian
Wyatt Cenac
Stand-up comedian
Zendaya
Actress
Ophira Eisenberg
Comedian