Argus Hamilton famous quotes

The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Flower #Sleep #Smell

If it turns out that Barry Bonds used ***** to bulk up and add muscle mass, he could get four to eight years as governor of California
-- Argus Hamilton

#California #Eight #Years

They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Taken #White #House

No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Race #Looks #Wonder

Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned all their names.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Kings #Fall #Names

He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Military #Nice #Speech

The Pentagon tested an anti-missile system in New Mexico Wednesday. The test was an incomplete success. While the interceptor was shooting down the incoming missile, three thousand illegal aliens walked right across the border under its nose.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Borders #Three #Mexico

The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Memories #Mistake #Short Memory

Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Sleep #Cupcakes #Secret

The Columbus Day Parade was held Monday in New York. Columbus was the world's first Democrat. He left not knowing where he was going, arrived not knowing where he was, went home not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on government money.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Monday #New York #Home

Bill and Hillary will spend Easter with her brothers Hugh and Tony and Roger Clinton. They have a family ritual at all holiday dinners. After they sit down, they hold hands, close their eyes, and get their stories straight.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Easter #Brother #Holiday

Tennis legend Bjorn Borg appeared in a Swedish TV ad urging Swedes to have more sex to solve the country's falling birth rate. America can help. This is a perfect opportunity to name Jesse Jackson ambassador to Sweden.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Country #Sex #Fall

Hillary Clinton flew with President Bush to New York City on Tuesday. She was amazed at the changes aboard Air Force One. For eight years she believed that flight attendants couldn't wear clothes because it made the plane too heavy.
-- Argus Hamilton

#New York #Eight #Air

Jenna Bush was cited for underage drinking in Austin Friday. Her dad warned her that too much partying at school could cost her a good career. At $400,000, he's making the lowest salary of any of his Yale classmates.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Friday #Dad #Party

Hillary Clinton will travel to Vietnam with the president this Friday. It's a fact that at the height of the war in 1971, she tried to enlist in the Marines, but they turned her down. Apparently we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Friday #War #Marine

President Bush paid homage Wednesday to World War II veterans of Normandy at the D-Day Memorial. Later that night, his twin daughters paid a special tribute to World War II veterans of the Pacific. They each downed two kamikazes.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Daughter #War #Night

Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Way #Said #Walter Mondale

The Mars Rover sent back stunning photos [last week] indicating the past presence of water. The pictures show tiny splotches of blue on the Red Planet. The other theory is that the satellite dish on the rover accidentally picked up CNN's election coverage.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Past #Blue #Cnn

Hillary showed off a new set of White House china at the mansion's 200th birthday dinner Thursday. She said she helped design it. It's thanks to her that all the White House china looks like it's been glued back together.
-- Argus Hamilton

#White #House #Design

It's a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Color #White #Snow

They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Taken #White #House

President Obama hosted a state dinner for British Prime Minister David Cameron. The president and the British are getting along a lot better lately. They love to compare notes on ways the Tea Party's always trying to overthrow their rule in America.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Party #Always Trying #America

George W. Bush is so pro-Mexico that if you hit him with a stick prizes would fall out of him.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Fall #Mexico #Sticks

Barclays Bank in England purchased bankrupt Lehman Brothers Tuesday along with its Manhattan tower, saving nine thousand jobs. It's humiliating. The United States of America is 232 years old and we're having to go to mom for money.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Mom #Brother #Jobs

The Concord Coalition in Virginia complained about pork projects and wasteful spending in the federal budget. Consider the Senate chaplain's salary. As occupations go, only mind readers in Los Angeles have fewer things to do all day.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Virginia #Mind #Pork

Michael Moore announced that his next documentary film will attack the health care industry in America. He's not out to get the pharmaceutical companies. He's just looking for something to relieve the redness in the center of the country.
-- Argus Hamilton

#Country #America #Care