"I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you."

--

Patton Oswalt

“Every human soul has seen, perhaps before their birth pure forms such as justice, temperance, beauty and all the great moral qualities which we hold in honour. We are moved towards what is good by the faint memory of these forms simple and calm and blessed which we saw once in a pure, clear light being pure ourselves.”
“Doubt is the first step towards knowledge, not faith.”
“All I had was natural ability.”
“The CIA could not face up to the American people and admit that its former employees had conspired to assassinate the President; so from the moment Kennedy's heart stopped beating, the Agency attempted to sweep the whole conspiracy under the rug.”
“The great force of history comes from the fact that we carry it within us, are unconsciously controlled by it in many ways, and history is literally present in all that we do.”
“Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.”
“I am in total ecstasy with where my life is now.”
“I love short track. I competed in short track, I was a world champion in 1986 but at that point in time it wasn't in the Olympic Games so I moved into long track. Short track is a blast to skate and it's a blast to watch.”

You may also like:

Bill Maher
Comedian
Brad Bird
Screenwriter
Brian Posehn
Actor
George S. Patton
Military Commander
Jerry Stiller
Comedian
Judd Apatow
Film Producer
Louis C. K.
Comedian
Maria Bamford
Comedian
Sarah Silverman
Comedian